“I make music by messing around and finding out as I go…”

“But in ‘real life’ I’m terrified of making mistakes,” says Kelly Reed. “It’s taken years and years for me to accept that mistakes are what it means to be human. We’re all just doing our best.”

For the Durham-based musician, the tension between self-acceptance and self-admonishment has been a constant presence in her life, which she channeled into her debut album, Stupid Idiot. 

Released in April 2023, the album explores the experience of mental health from a variety of perspectives: those of imagined characters and their narratives, of Kelly’s own struggle, and of third parties observing the artist herself. The title, which takes its name from Reed’s self-critical inner monologue, was initially inspired by an article about a Chicago woman who very publicly and tragically took her own life in 2016, near where Reed was living at the time. “She had serious mental health issues that went unrecognized and untreated. She was trying her best but just couldn’t find her way forward. That really stuck with me,” Reed notes. But what began as bystander reflections on the heartbreaking event ultimately became a personal exercise for Reed — deconstructing the complexities of mental health in her own life and articulating all the ways people work to be seen, heard, and understood. 

“When it comes to mental health, we tend to soft-pedal what’s really going on, because vulnerability shows us things about ourselves we’d rather not see. So instead, we self-edit or perform ‘being okay’ out in the world. Even though mental health has become a more mainstream topic, especially on social media, we still present curated versions of ourselves.” Reed explains. “This album is my attempt to express what it really feels like to deal directly with depression and anxiety. I just wanted to be like…let’s be honest about it, no more euphemisms or pretending. Here’s the truth of what I’m experiencing. I wanted to create an opportunity for healing — for myself and for others.”

The album has been five years in the making; Reed began writing it in 2018 while living in her native Chicago, recorded it in Jacksonville and Chicago with her producer (Bob Davidson) and engineer/co-producer (Brok Mende, Friends of Friends Recording), and then finished it after moving to Durham, NC in 2021.  

Given such heavy subject matter, Stupid Idiot surprises with its dynamic range, inviting listeners into moments of confession, hope, and anthemic exuberance. In the album’s opener, “The Lonely” richly layered instrumentation intertwines with Reed’s haunting melodies as she details the experience of living in the fog of depression: “It drags a ragged body, through endless halls of shopping malls and glassy grins / and while the world is watching, it disappears in cloudy mirrors that wane and bend.” In “Lines,” Reed imagines herself on the Chicago street where the woman took her life, calling into question the value of growing older (the track’s name references wrinkles in the skin) in the face of suffering. 

“The Blue,” also the album’s first single, is a gradual catharsis of drums, synths, and distorted vocals desperately sing-shouting over and over “I’m just dying to die!” It was written while on a self-imposed artist retreat on the coast of Oregon. “I was listening to Young Father’s album, Cocoa Sugar, on repeat,” said Reed. “Their lo-fi drums are intoxicating. I wanted to experiment to see if I could create sounds like that.” The result was an intricate kaleidoscope of sounds that, as Kelly puts it, “could probably give you vertigo.”

On the album’s title track, Reed shares a glimpse of her own inner voice: “Stupid idiot, are you better yet? / can you make it out alive or will you quit just like you always have?” The bridge (“When they put you in the hospital that night / and they tried to clip your ankles / what a sight to behold!”) references a conversation Reed had with her psychiatrist; they argued whether her depression was her Achilles heel or a superpower that fueled her music. “Turning therapy sessions into bangers, that’s what we do here,” she jokes.

In perhaps the most moving track on the album, Memoriam, Reed tackles the topic of grief with the kindness she’s learning to lend to herself: “I have a thought that maybe you listen in silence and prayer / does the Lord let you answer me there? or a closed door is all that I have when I’m sad?” The audio from a conversation Kelly recorded with her abuelita before her death last year surfaces in an ambient interlude. 

Stupid Idiot, which traverses rock, experimental, ambient, and pop sensibilities, is the culmination of what Reed calls a “musical deconstruction and reconstruction.” Starting with violin and piano at five, Reed eventually found the structure and formalities of the classical world suffocating. “I wanted to go off-book and mess around! Looking back now, I’m so glad I had the opportunity to learn music the ‘right way.’ It taught me the rules so I could know how to break them.” In 2012, she began writing and performing in Chicago under the pseudonym, “i.e. kokoro,” and released three albums under that name from 2014-2018.

As she began working on the songs that would eventually become Stupid Idiot, Kelly found herself questioning whether a return to the pseudonym was right for her evolution as a musician. “This album feels like the most honest thing I’ve put out in the world to date. I think it’s fitting that I go by my given name, now. There needs to be less distance between me and music.” Closing the door on her past life as i.e. kokoro in Chicago and starting anew in Durham, Kelly Reed is feeling more and more at ease showing up as herself — imperfections and all. 

PRESS:

“Stupid Idiot veers from experimental, ambient textures to rock and pop songs that deal with mental health issues Reed doesn't shy away from.” – NPR, May 2023

“The songs on Kelly Reed’s latest album are slyly deprecating, set to a backdrop of measured keys and guitar for maximum stateliness.” – Bandcamp, April 2023

STUPID IDIOT CREDITS:

Self-released April 7, 2023
Written and performed by Kelly Reed
Produced by Kelly Reed & Bob Davidson
Co-Produced by Brok Mende
Drums by Brian Lester
Lead Guitar (“The Boys”) by Saman Khoujinian
Recorded, Mixed, Mastered by Friends of Friends Recording
Album art by Jen Matthews